


Lads, is it ethical to hope too much?

by valerian_valentine



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Crying, Emotional Manipulation, Hope Powers, Kinda, M/M, Manipulation, Past Abuse, Romance, Suicide Threats, unethical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28640082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valerian_valentine/pseuds/valerian_valentine
Summary: This is not the first or last time Dirk Strider will be found crying in his office. If only he got over himself and admitted when he was being a dick.Featuring: Dave 'I will call you out' Strider.
Relationships: Dave Strider & Dirk Strider, Jake English/Dirk Strider, John Egbert & Jake English
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	Lads, is it ethical to hope too much?

When Dirk finally dropped his sketchbook and let his tears drip onto his desk, he knew he would spend the rest of the week feeling like shit. This wouldn’t be the last time he cried in his cold, empty ‘office/workspace’, far far from the last time. The first time he cried in here was because of a panic attack. The second time.. Also a panic attack. The third time was frustration and lack of sleep. Fourth time was also a panic attack- You get the gist, he had a lot of panic attacks. Whatever, he was an anxious dude, it was fine.

But now, he was crying because… Well, because he was a stupid piece of shit, that’s why. He should have known better than to try and become a better person, he should have known better than to try and change because, just like literally everything, it ended in fucking disaster. He tried to be the good guy, he tried to change his ways, he tried to be better and here he was, sobbing like a fucking idiot all over his desk which would most likely inevitably end up warped from his stupid fucking tears. What was he thinking? He was destined to be this way, he was destined to do this shit, he was destined to be the bad guy. The Tower card, the Destroyer of Souls, Prince of fucking Heart. Why would he ever try to stray from his  _ true _ nature? Everyone knew he would end up like this in the end, they just wanted to see him suffer. Gathering around, watching him struggle and choke like a rat drowning in oil, laughing at his suffering and mocking him.

He sniffled, angrily rubbing away his tears but the effort was useless, merely theatrical as the old tears were quickly replaced by new ones, the hot liquid acting like alcohol to his fiery shame, heat rising up inside of him, flames licking around his skull while kerosine flooded his throat, thickly covering every inch of flesh in his throat, suffocating him on his own shame.

… Okay, he was being a touch dramatic here but this is what it felt like! He was hot all over, his skull felt like it was about to combust and his throat was filled with phlegm which was.. Gross. He sniffled, forcing himself to take a few deep breaths before he went over the events that lead to this. There had to be a reason why Jake lashed out, right? There had to be a reason that didn’t involve him being the bad guy because he didn’t do anything wrong!

_ Jake is asking for your help in the kitchen. When you get there, everything is a mess and he’s standing in front of a cookie sheet filled with what you assume are ‘cookies’ or things that once had the potential to be cookies. _

_ “Dirk,” Jake started before you could make a snarky comment, “if you were to double this recipe, what measurements would you use?” He handed over a small card with instructions on it. _

_ “Dude, you were following a recipe?” You tease. “I thought you were fucking around and found shit out.” You looked over the recipe, snorting. “These were supposed to be cookies? Holy fuc-” _

_ “Just answer the question, Dirk! It’s not that difficult!” Jake snapped, his eyebrows furrowing together. He was obviously embarrassed, crossing his arms and getting defensive. _

_ “Fine fine…” You look over the measurements and double them with ease. “Three cups of flour-” _

_ “Fuck!” Jake interrupted immediately, throwing his hot pad on the dirty kitchen floor. _

_ “Chill… How’d you fuck that up, though? The original is one and a half cups, it’s not that hard.” You chuckle, raising an eyebrow. You could barely believe how he’s been alive for this long when he can’t even do simple math. “Look-” _

_ “Fuck off, Dirk.” _

_ “No, listen, I’m trying to help.” You grab the measuring cups, trying to help him understand. He just needed some help. “Look, see? One cup, plus one other cup equals two and two halves equal one full. Therefor-” You try to explain it all slowly so he understood but quickly got interrupted. _

_ “I FUCKING KNOW! Would you just cut the elitist bullshit for once?! Am I not allowed to make a simple mistake without you calling me a fucking idiot?! Huh?!” Jake shouted at you, clearing the distance between you two in half seconds. He wasn’t up in your face, just uncomfortably close, close enough you could feel the heat radiating off of him. _

_ “Dude, relax! I’m just trying to help!” You argue, holding your hands up in a placating manner. You didn’t know why he was so upset, you didn’t do anything wrong. “I never even called you a dumbass, I am just trying to show you-” _ _   
_ _ “Don’t!” He threw his hands up before ripping off his apron, tossing it on the counter. “Do  _ **_not_ ** _ pull that bullshit on me today. You know what you’re doing, you’ve been doing it for fucking years.” He grabbed the hot cookie sheet with his bare hands, most definitely burning himself, before shoving it into the sink to be cleaned for later.  _

_ “Listen, I’m sorry you interpreted it that way but I didn’t call you-” You try to defend yourself, confused and a bit hurt. You were only trying to have some fun and help him! _

_ “Stop it!” He shouted, interrupting again. “You-” _

_ “Don’t talk over me!” You interrupt him, growing agitated. “At least let me defend myself!” You demand, watching him seethe, his eyes burning into your skull. _

_ “I’m exhausted and I just wanted to make some fucking cookies, Dirk, if you could cut your bullshit for once in your damn life and not make fun of me-” _

_ You cut him off again, pissed. “Oh, you’re exhausted?! I’ve been working my ass of here while you’re in here, what, making fucking cookies?! I’ve been trying to change myself, trying to better myself while running a fucking world, you don’t think I’m a little bit exhausted?! Jake, I’ve been trying to change myself for you, I think I deserve some fucking respect and paitence!” You demand, crossing your arms. _

_ “Your statements mean NOTHING if you aren’t actively trying to change yourself!” Jake hissed, his words seeping into your pores like thorns. “You are the exact same as you were before, you just say ‘I’m working on it’ after I call you out on your goddamn bullshit then talk about how hard it is for you to be a mediocre partner.” His hands were bright red, surely burning. “You need to step the fuck off and get the fuck away from me before I completely burn our relationship to the ground and make it unsalvageable.”  _

_ You stand there for a few seconds while his words soaked in, memories of arguments just like this burning through your veins but in those memories, Jake always quits or disappears halfway through. Now, he’s standing in front of you, confronting you and.. It’s fucking horrible and a sick part of you wishes you never promised to get better, makes you wish Jake would just go back to being the submissive bitch he always was, maybe you can still make that happen, maybe you can still have things turn back to their old ways, maybe you can  _ **_make_ ** _ him rely on you again- _

_ “You can’t fucking survive without me and you kn-” You weren’t allowed to finish your sentence. Jake was gone. He stormed out of the kitchen, stormed out of the house, leaving you to shout at the last of his presence. Once again, he was too stupid to maintain an argument and you assumed he’d be back in an hour or so later. _

_ You ended up crying in your office three hours later. _

Okay, maybe he was a bit harsh near the end but Jake overreacted. He was just messing around and teasing him, there was no need to cause such a big fuss and if he was so exhausted then maybe he shouldn’t have been making cookies in the first place! And it was such a stupid thing to get upset over! He was sure they would be-

His phone rang loudly, interrupting his thoughts. He checked the caller ID and sighed, taking a few seconds to clear his throat before answering in his usual monotone voice. “Howdy.”

“Dirk, what the fuck!” John replied, his voice as annoying as ever.

“What?”

“Oh, don’t you ‘what’ me! The fuck did you do to Jake?!”

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I didn’t do anything, he’s just being over dramatic right now. Why?”

“OVER DRAMATIC?!” John shouted into the phone, forcing Dirk to hold the device a few inches away from his ear. “You fucker! I don’t think stealing my fucking hammer is him being over dramatic!”

“Wha-” He got interrupted by his phone buzzing rapidly, making him fumble for a few seconds. “Uh, Dave is calling me, gotta go.”

“THE FUCK, DIR-” He hung up before John could finish yelling at him. 

“Howdy?”

“The fuck you do to Jake?” Dave’s voice was a balm against his ear drums, his casual yet slightly anxious tone easing him.

“I didn’t do anything!”

“Uh huh… So why is Jake flattening out entire forests?” There was a crunching and chewing noise. Was Dave eating a sandwich?

“Wha- How did you- The fuck?”

“Yeah, Jade says he’s taking his rage out on some trees and she ain’t stopping him.” There was a slurping noise. “So. You wanna go apologize to him?”

“Why is everyone assuming I did something wrong? Why is everyone always assuming that  _ I _ fucked up, huh?!”

“... Cause- Dude, are you seriously that stupid?” Dave chuckled, his voice light hearted but the words stung, infuriating him. “If you punch someone every time they mention cats, you can’t get mad at them for flinching when they mention cats. If you are usually the cause of Jake getting this pissed, everyone is going to assume you are the cause when he gets pissed. C’mon dude, basic scientific theory and like… Common sense.”

“Are you calling me an idiot?”

“Probably... You should go apologize to Jake.”   
“I didn’t do anything wrong!” He shouted, flinching at the way his voice bounced off the walls. Did he really sound that douchey..?   
“Great, so you’ll have no problem apologizing. Problem solved, ‘nother point for the Davester.” There was another loud slurping noise, followed by an ‘ahh’. This motherfucker.

“I’m not apologizing for something I didn’t do!”   
“Uh huh… I bet you like the Joker a lot. Anyway, dude, bro,  _ dawg _ , who cares? Jake is clearly upset with you and thinks you did something wrong so apologize. Doesn’t matter if you did anything wrong or not cause right now, Jake is fuckin’ commited mass murder up in this forest and we need you to, like, stop it via apologizing.”

“He’s just doing this for attention.”

“.... I’m going to ignore that statement. Tell me what happened and I’ll see if I can fix it.”

Dirk sighed, leaning back in his rolly chair. Why couldn’t things just go back to old times when Jake would just.. Take stuff like this and not complain? “I was trying to show him how to double a recipe and he just blew up on me for no reason. I wasn’t even doing anything, I was just trying to help and have fun!”

“Mhm.. Tell me one of the sentences you said that might’ve set him off.” Dave prompted, the sound of a crunching apple soon following. Was he having a whole fucking meal?!

“...... I told him I was shocked he was even using a recipe and that I thought he was just fucking around…” He admitted guiltily. He knew he was in the wrong but there was no chance in hell he was going to admit that.

“Mhmm… Alright, imagine you just spent the entire day working hard to better the world, as we all do. You come home, exhausted and just want to make some cookies for you and your perfect partner but due to your exhausted state, you make a mistake along the way and fuck it up. Instead of helping you clean stuff up, your partner makes fun of you and, I’m guessing, calls you stupid or implies it. Does this make you feel good?”

“... No.”

“Does this make you want to flatten a forest?”

“Yes, but-”

“No, dude. You fucked up. You know you fucked up. Stop acting like the victim and apologize, okay? You’re an adult, this is what adults do. They fuck up, they apologize and they actively work on fixing their mistake.”

Dirk sighed, a new form of tears building up behind his eyes. He knew he was in the wrong. He knew he provoked Jake, he knew he was being an elitist fuck and he hated feeling this way. He felt worthless. “Maybe it would be better if I just disappeared…” He murmured.

“Yeah, prolly.”

“...... What?”

“You heard me.” Dave replied, nonchalant. Another crunch noise. “This wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t exist but that’s not our reality right now. You do exist and you need to fix your problems instead of running away from them like a pussy. Dude, you’re being really selfish right now.”   
“Ho- How the fuck am I being selfish?! Do you know how badly I wanna kill myself right now?! I get it, I’m the fucking bad guy! I’m always the fucking bad guy and I’m always fucking up!” He snapped, gripping his phone tightly in his sweaty hand.

“Yeah, you are. You are the bad guy and guess what buddy? You aren’t a sociopath so you feel guilt, which is a normal, human reaction but just because you wanna kill yourself doesn’t mean you get to be a dick. My Bro abused me nearly every day but I can guarantee you he wanted to kill himself at some point. Does that excuse his behavior?”

“.... No…”   
“Dude, you have to stop using suicide as a way to get your way or else someone is going to snap and hand you the fuckin’ rope. Stop being a massive dick and own up to your mistakes like the rest of us.” Another crunch. How big was this apple?

“I…” He sniffled, feeling pathetic once again. He fucking hated this. “I don’t think he’ll forgive me this time…” He admitted quietly. He knew he fucked up, he knew he pushed Jake too far and he knew he said some awful things. He didn’t deserve forgiveness.

Dave sighed, the air crackling the mic. “Dirk, I’m not sure you’re aware of this but Jake loves you and you love him. He’s just asking you to be nice to him. Dirk-” He sighed again and suddenly, the two felt completely alone. Like there was no one else in the world, like he was a child being tucked into bed and just asked his tired father how love worked. “He wants to feel  _ special _ , dawg. He doesn’t want you to change yourself at your core, he doesn’t want you to bare your soul to him and let him see your deepest darkest thoughts and he doesn’t want you to baby him either. He wants you to look at him and  _ melt. _ ” Dave’s words rested on him heavily and he felt connected to Dave on an emotional level he couldn’t even begin to describe. The sound of him chewing kinda ruined the moment but it was easily ignored.

“I’m not ready for that..”

“And he knows that. He just wants to feel like he’s the only person in the world that can make Dirk Strider stutter and fumble over his words, like he’s the only person that will ever burrow his way through your heart and feel safe. He doesn’t want you to be touch and cool and smart and witty, he wants to be the only guy that can make you speechless when he’s just in his jammies that he’s worn for weeks. He wants you to  _ love _ him. Not be better than him.” Dave rambled, obviously projecting a bit. “Dude, just- Put on a silly fucking apron, bake the man some fucking cookies, put on some romantic ass music and fucking romance him.”

“I don’t think he’ll be coming home anytime soon..” He admitted weakly, his face warm for an entirely different reason now. The idea of that type of domestic bliss with Jake terrified him and excited him, it made him yearn for moments he most likely would never get if he kept acting like this. “I don’t even think I deserve his forgiveness…”

“Oh, I never said you deserve his forgiveness but that’s a can of worms for another day. Text him and he’ll come. He’s calmed down now and seems pretty chill but I’d wait till the cookies are out of the oven to text him and beg him to come over. I’m not joking, you have to beg him. Listen dude, if you want this to mean literally anything, you gotta show off your weak side. Romance the fuck out of that man until you two are making sweet, sweet love in between some silky ass sheets.” Dave burped, effectively ruining the moment.

He sniffed and cleared his throat, standing up. “Alright, just… Never say shit like that again. It’s weird.”

“Yeah, my b.”

“Do you have any other suggestions other than make cookies and play romance music?” He questioned as he made his way out of his ‘office/workspace’.

“Fuck yeah bro. Okay, imagine you’re exhausted from being pissed and frustrated with literally everyone, what would you want? I know I’d want my favorite feel good movies along with some regular Disney Pixar crap, ice cream, a massage, hot bath with my lover, general pampering and so much fuckin’ words of love. I would want my head massaged while being fuckin’ serreaded, bro… Hold up, I might actually do some of this tonight. Bro, I’ve been stressed as hell lately-”

“Thanks for the advice, bye.” He hung up before Dave could unload all of his stress, knowing for a fact that would do nothing to stop his ectbro from talking despite the line being dead. He loved Dave and wanted to help him but he had some romancing to do.

\----

Jake sat on John's couch, feeling pathetic and sad for himself when his phone started buzzing repeatedly, telling him someone was spam texting him. He could have sworn he put it on do not disturb but knowing his mind, he probably just imagined he did it. Stupid Jake. He grabbed his phone and turned it on, his mood souring when he saw his sweetheart's name but some dark part of him was secretly hoping for this, hoping Dirk was going to beg him to come back and-...

Oh.

Dirk was begging him to come back. Talked about wanting to apologize properly, talking about how he fucked up and how he  _ will _ get better.. Huh. He was probably just going to make some half assed apology that made him feel like shit then expect to have sex afterwards, or heavily imply he’d kill himself if he left but he got up anyway, ignoring the way John jumped.

“I need to get home.. Sorry, again, for taking your hammer. Not really sure why I took it but it helped me feel better.” He apologized, his voice raspy and throat sore from yelling at the sky, yelling and screaming at the invisible Dirk that constantly followed him around.

“Uhh… No problem… You sure it’s a good idea for you to go home..?” John asked nervously, tense from his head to his toes. Poor guy had to witness his rage up close and personal and he doubted that was pretty.

“I can handle myself. It’s just Dirk. What’ll he do? Invalidate my feelings even more?” He joked dryly, watching John struggle to squeeze out a laugh. He forgot they were all so used to his optimism. He’d have to send him a gift basket or something tomorrow.

“Alright just.. Call me in the morning, okay?”

Jake didn’t bother responding, too exhausted to keep the conversation going but he did nod as to not be impolite before leaving the comforting house. He was fully prepared to deal with whatever bullshit Dirk was about to throw at him, exhausted on all levels and ready to end the cycle of abuse and hurt.

  
  


The flight back home was exhausting but thankfully short. He was highly debating just finding a bench to sleep on, as it would have been more comfortable than sleeping next to Dirk at the moment but when he opened the door to his house, his cynicism melted away at the nearly overwhelming smell of baked goods. Dirk was standing inches in front of him, hand reaching out to grab the door handle so he didn’t have to open the door himself. He was wearing an apron, a simple white one with shiny red thread that read ‘Peking Duck’ with a cartoonish picture of a duck peeking around a corner. The sight did something to him, did something to his heart.

“Uhhh…” Dirk looked flustered, his cheeks pink, his hair completely wild and flour smeared in his eyebrow somehow. “Hey, baby.” He finally greeted, the words clearly sitting uncomfortably in his mouth. He was never good with pet names.

“What’s all this..?” He asked suspiciously, hopeful it was an actual apology. Dirk guided him inside, his hands warm on his tired wrist.

“I… I talked with Dave and I came to my senses. I’m being a dick, again, and I……” Dirk took a deep breath, his eyebrows furrowing as he stared at the ground, taking Jake through their massive house and to the living room where their extra blankets and pillows covered the couch and music filled the air. Sweet orchestra music, the type he wanted to dance to while holding Dirk so, so tightly but Dirk’s words made him tense, ready to be dumped with all of Dirks self deprecating thoughts.

“I want to be lovers.” Okay, what? “I want us to romanticize our current relationship and I want to be better. We can discuss details in the morning but for now, I’m starting off with pampering you till you’re fuckin’ glowing for a god damn month.” Dirk finally spat it out, his eyes looking everywhere but him. His shades were off and his glasses were on, the type of vulnerability Jake fantasized about receiving. 

“I… Clementine-” He sighed, the weight of his exhaustion hitting him ten fold. He felt like there was so much to discuss and so many apologies to make but his shoulders ached and his head ached and he wanted nothing more than to let Dirk service him. “You are absolutely-”   
“Don’t praise me about this.” Dirk interrupted sternly. “This is the bare minimum and I shouldn’t be praised for accomplishing that. You just snuggle up on the couch and I’ll handle everything for tonight. We’re going to have cookies with milk while I read you my favorite romantic quotes then we’re going to watch your favorite feel good movies while I kiss you three times every minute then we’re going to take a long, warm bath together and then I’m going to massage you until you can’t walk properly then try my best to carry you to bed. In the morning, I’ll make you breakfast and we can do whatever you want.” He explained while slowly massaging his hand, the tendons and bones in there feeling like molasses as he skillfully avoided the tender, burned parts.

“Alrighty, love.” He murmured, leaning forward to gently kiss Dirk's forehead. He.. Wasn't expecting this. He was expecting another fight, he was expecting Dirk to tell him how badly he was overreacting, he was expecting hate sex, not… Jesus fucking christ, he was going to be thanking Dave for so many lifetimes.

“I love you, really and truly.” Dirk whispered to him, gently settling his rough hands on the sides of his neck, keeping him close. They were an inch or so away from their bodies being completely flush and Dirk was.. Waiting for him. Waiting for  _ him _ to close to distance, to connect their bodies, to crash into him.

“I love you, really and truly, Clementine but my hands really hurt.” He broke the moment, smiling nervously. His hands stung, the pain finally reaching his muddled mind now that he had relaxed. 

“Oh.” Dirk exhaled sharply, a mimic of a laugh. “I’ll grab the first aid kit,” He pulled away but it still felt like he was right there in front of him, inches away, “you relax on the couch and put on whatever you want while you wait. We’ll patch up your hands then get some food in you.”

He nodded and let Dirk leave before collapsing on the couch, a groan spilling from his lips like butter.. Or something. The couch seemed so soft, so comforting, he knew he wouldn’t leave without a hefty protest. As he relaxed, he let his eyes glide around the living room, taking in the sights. A stack of books with multicolored sticky notes sticking out, a waiting queue of his favorite movies along with some Pixar stuff, pillows and blankets covering every available soft surface. It was.. Perfect. He wanted to reach out and grab a book but his hands ached too much, stung every time blood pumped through them so instead he waited patiently, listening to Dirk’s quiet footsteps move around the house.

“I wish I wrote the way I thought,” Dirk started once he came back, his voice loud and clear, obviously quoting someone, “Obsessively. Incessantly. With maddening hungar, I’d to the point of suffocation.”

Jake slowly sat up, remaining quiet as Dirk sat next to him and began cleaning his burned, tender hands with a care he’s only seen late into the night after hours of stress and anxiety. The only noise he made was the occasionally hiss of pain but even then, it dissolved quickly, pain being replaced with care.

“I’d write myself into nervous breakdowns,” A small smile tugged at both of their mouths, “Manuscripts spiralling out like tentacles into abysmal nothing.” Dirk paused, taking that moment to gently put his hand on his cheek, looking at him directly. He could see him melt inside, he could see all of his love swarm behind his eyes and it scared him how much he loved seeing it. “And I’d write about you a lot more than I should.” He whispered, the world melting away as he finished the quote. 

“You don’t know what things like that do to me..” Jake spoke up, smiling when Dirk went back to bandaging his hands.

“You should thank Benedict Smith, it’s his writing.” Dirk told him sweetly, his voice absent of any superiority. It was a welcomed change. “Alright, you fucked up your hands pretty good so we’re gonna have to change the bandages every day.”

“Oh joy.” He grumbled, already dreading the inevitable squeal fest that would cause. Dirk hated seeing bandages separate from wounded skin and so did he, the mere thought causing shivers in them both. Despite unwrapping wounds hundreds of times, neither of them got used to it and would always stall every time they had to unwrap the others wounds.

“Yeah, I know, but it’s not gonna be like all the other times… Alright, I’m lying through my damn teeth, it’s probably going to be exactly like all the other times but I promise not to throw up.” Dirk held up three fingers in a silly mock of ‘scouts honor’.

“You are fairly good at not throwing up, love. It’s impressive.” He complimented, grinning when he saw Dirk’s confidence puff up a little bit at the strange confidence. “Now, before I throw up at the thought of our inevitable, could you bring me a platter of those delicious cookies you made? Or, I assume you made cookies…?” He ended the sentence on a hopeful, curious note, hoping Dirk made him macaroons or something. That would be as equally pleasant, though a touch fancier than he wanted for today.

“Sorry, love, just cookies.” Dirk kissed his cheek, his lips rough and raw from his constant biting. “I fear my baking skill only goes that far and even then..” He cast a wary look towards the kitchen before sighing and getting up. “If they taste like shit I’ll just call Jane and tell her to bring the back ups.”

“I think you mean the  _ bake _ -ups.” He joked, his grin only widening when Dirk gave him that disappointed look. “You can laugh, Dirk, it’s funny.”

“Ha.” Dirk said cynically before disappearing into the kitchen to get their dinner for the evening. Hopefully they still had the take out places numbers because cookies and milk would not be enough to fill him up but as he sat there, getting his movies ready, his worries and anxieties and pain melted away.

Turns out, you can get just about anything you want if you Hope for it hard enough.


End file.
